It is always upon reflection that I realize what an awesome work God has done in my life. And during these times of reflection I sometimes wonder what happened to change me so drastically, and what has happened that so many others in my life haven't changed as readily. One thing I've stumbled upon is perspective. I believe it is my perspective of God that has changed most radically, and thereby my life has changed as well. I'd like to share my previous perspective and what came about to change that perspective.
I grew up in a home where we went to church...often. We were not only very involved in church, but I went to Christian schools as well. So, there was a broad influence into my perspective of God. School teachers, principals, adults, Sunday School teachers, my pastor all had an influence on my perspective. My parents attended a conservative church, and the schools I attended reflected those conservative values. I think the grade school I attended is one of the MOST conservative in this area. Rules were an important part of life in the schools I attended and also at home. Behavior outside those rules was NOT tolerated. Because of the emphasis on obedience to rules, I came to believe that God was as concerned about these "rules" as everyone else was. When I thought of God I was always scared about what He thought about me and my various infractions of the "rules". During my childhood, I remember almost always praying during an altar call to "make sure" I was saved. Even into adulthood, after I came back to the Lord, I was constantly scared that He was going to punish me for my sins.
How did this affect my life? I became overly concerned about obeying the rules. I also became judgmental of others. It was very hard for me to love anyone, because I was so consumed with my own behavior that I could not expend any energy on others. Also, I never realized love from any source. I saw life as a competition. If I was not competing with everyone else in the world, I was competing at least with myself to perform the best I could. This view point of seeing God as a judge fit in to my personality in a way that made me harsh on others and even harsher on myself. It was very difficult to forgive myself, and because of that, hard to forgive others.
What was the solution? First let me tell you what I tried and how it did not work. I tried Bible study books. They just seemed dry and boring to me, and I could never bring myself to finish them, or get anything useful out of them. I tried several classes in a deliverance ministry. Several years in fact, and while there were aspects that were helpful, it didn't solve my perspective of God. If anything, it put barriers between me and God. It taught me to take some element of control over my own life. This thinking also lead to me not trusting Christ's work on the cross. I thought there were things I needed to do in addition to Christ crucified. I also listened to teachings by Christian teachers. This only served to muddy the waters for me because each person says something slightly different. So which do you believe?
The change started for me when I began to simply read the Bible and seek the Lord fervently. He always spoke words of love and encouragement to me. Even through others, there were never harsh words of warning, but love and encouragement. And He led me to some great Christian fiction authors. The final breakthrough for me came while reading Francine Rivers "Redeeming Love". This story is based on the book of Hosea in the Bible and shows how God loves and bears with us. These lines at that point in my life broke through everything I'd been taught and lived through to show me Who God really is and what love really is. "Love cleanses, beloved. It doesn't beat you down. It doesn't cast blame." "My love isn't a weapon. It's a lifeline. Reach out and take hold, and don't let go."
Wow! I'm blown away again just typing it. Since this revelation of God and His love for me, my life has taken a 180 degree turn. Now, I love people as I believe God wants us to love. I can't help loving people. I'm quick to try to see the best in people. (Sometimes I'm quicker than others, I'm still not perfect ;-) I can't watch the same things on television and movies because of my new perspective. I no longer feel constant guilt. Once I realized that God is not keeping score, and that He is looking at my heart, I was able to relax and love.
It's not a self-esteem issue, it's a God-esteem issue. I believe that if you see God in a wrong light, you will see yourself in a wrong light. I'm able to ask forgiveness, and forgive myself much more quickly now, because I see that God is not trying to beat me down or punish me, He is holding out His nail-scarred hand as a life line. I know that when Jesus said, "It is finished." He meant just that. It is finished, I cannot earn salvation or favor any other way. I feel sad when people talk about God's rod of correction, because since my perspective of Him changed, I've realized I can't see Him that way.
I now live the way God asks me to live because I know He wants only the best for me, not because I think He'll punish me. I see the ten commandments and the Old Testament in a much different way. And, this new perspective causes me to WANT to learn more about this God of Love. Knowing how much God loves me, and how much He sacrificed to rescue me, I want to be like Him, and that means loving people.
I challenge you.....what is your perspective? Are you guilty all the time? Are you judging yourself and others? Do you struggle with loving? I don't know what God will use to show You His true character, maybe it's a person, a book, a sermon, just your private alone time with Him and His Word. God promises in Jer. 29:13 "And ye shall seek me and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." Heb. 11:6 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him." He is faithful!
