But You Don't Understand!

Maybe you say to me, but you don't understand. Horrible things have been done to me, and no one even acknowledges what happened. First of all, let me say I do understand. I've been there and by the power of the ressurected Jesus, I have moved on with my life. Let me say that people are never eager to admit their failings. If it was something really horrific that happened to you, the less likely it will be that those involved will truly admit to the reality of what happened. Think about it, I think most people would rather die than admit that they altered someone's entire life with some sort of abuse. Let me also say that abuse takes many forms, and none are okay. Whether or not it was sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse or physical abuse or any combination of those, it was NOT okay.

I struggled with this until one day someone looked at me and said, "God never thought it was okay that this was happening to you." "He's just as angry about it as you are." I assumed that because God never stepped in and stopped what was happening, He must have been okay with letting it happen. I have since learned that God gave us free will. He did not want us to be slaves in loving Him, He wanted it to be our choice and in doing so, He gave man free will. God is a just God, and he will serve justice on those who sin, but He will not force people to do the right thing. He always has an eye on you though, and in my life, I have been able to look back and see God's hand even when I thought it wasn't there.

So, let's say you have accepted God's free gift of salvation, but are tormented by things that have happened to you in the past. What do you do to stop the torment? How can you make it a part of your past, without affecting your present and future?

In one word, forgiveness. Before you tell me I can't possibly understand, let me say that I know this is probably a word you don't want to hear. You will argue that the person, or people don't even want forgiveness. You say, "How can I forgive someone who won't even admit they've done anything wrong?" I asked all those questions. I struggled with them for years after I gave my life to the Lord. He was patient with me. He knew I had to forgive, and kept showing me in different ways.

I will always preface any recommendations by saying you must pray about your situation and ask God to show you how He wants you to walk this journey. I will tell you that I have been studying forgiveness for years. I have notes that I have taken on some teaching tapes that date back to 2003. I will say that Joyce Meyers' teachings on Bitterness, Resentment and Unforgiveness and also Spirit of Offense have been life changing for me. She is the first person who taught me that forgiveness is not a "feeling" it is a choice. That forgiveness is actually letting the other person go and letting God decide their fate. I have found that forgiveness frees God to work in the other persons life. So, if you find yourself saying, "God, it's not fair what's happening to me, do something!" You should start by forgiving. Forgiveness keeps bitterness at bay. If you walk in forgiveness, bitterness has no place to take root.

I have found that I need to forgive everything! Even little things that you may think need no forgiveness, I pray forgiveness for those things as well. I would rather over-forgive people in this world, than get relaxed and then find that bitterness has sprung up in my life and destroyed relationships.

What if I forgive, and still feel angry about what happened to me? This was also addressed in Joyce Meyers' teaching "Forgive and Forget". I learned there that my choice to forgive had nothing to do with my feelings. And, additionally, my feelings didn't get a choice as to whether I forgave or not. She referenced Heb. 11:15 where it talks of the children of Israel. Here it is in the Amplified Bible. " If they had been thinking with homesick remembrance of that country from which they were emigrants, they would have found constant opportunity to return to it." Basically, she was saying, don't go back there in your mind. Don't keep reliving the wrong that was done to you. If it affects you, maybe you'll never be able to speak of it again. That's hard when we feel we've been wronged. We want everyone to know how we've been wronged. We want to talk about it until the other person says, "You're right, I was wrong and I'm sorry."

I see one of two choices when thoughts come up about the wrongs that have been done to you. I employ both, and have not figured out if one is more right than the other. First, I keep praying forgiveness. If I keep thinking of something, I keep asking God to forgive the person. I have heard it said that we should not continue to forgive the same thing over and over, but STAND on the original forgiveness we've asked God for. I agree to some extent, but I also know that sometimes I feel that repeating the prayer is just me standing on the forgiveness. Whatever you decide, do not let your mind take you back to a place of unforgiveness.

I think Jesus is our example, and He offered the greatest example of forgiveness when He was on the cross. His words, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." have become a prayer of sorts for me. I do not believe that most people hurt us knowing exactly how they are making us feel. I know that I don't intentionally hurt people, but I also know that I have hurt people. So, that means that I " knew not what I did." And, because I want others to extend that mercy to me, I will freely extend it to others. I have heard the saying, "We judge ourselves by our intentions, and others by their actions." And I have found that this statement has profoundly altered my life. I now try to sense what the intention may have been before passing judgment.

I believe you can forgive someone who doesn't see a need for forgiveness. I also believe that you can forgive without the other person knowing. You don't need to walk up to someone and say, I forgive you for hurting my feelings. They may have never known they did that, and you could be opening up a bigger can of worms by telling them you forgive them. Always consult the Lord before approaching a person. I always spend hours in prayer because I don't want my intentions to be clouded. Sometimes I can say one thing, but there is a secret adjenda behind my words. I am very conscious of my frame of mind. I'll stay in prayer for days to make sure my intent is pure, and my emotions are not driving my actions. Not to say that things don't catch me off-guard and I make mistakes, but I try to get myself under control of the Holy Spirit.

Now, a word about forgiveness. In all of this, we must not miss God's forgiveness towards us. At the first confession of sin, I John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." We do not need to walk around begging for forgivenss from God. He is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse. I see so many Christians walking around in perpetual states of begging God to forgive their past. Get over it people! God is not human, he is Holy and Perfect. Just because you find it hard to accept God's forgiveness does not mean it is hard for Him to forgive. Remind yourself through God's Word about how many people God used that needed to be forgiven. All of the great leaders fell short in some way. Some were murderers, adulterers, some had low self-esteem but God used all of them mightily. We need to remember , "In that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Rom. 5:8. God didn't wait for us to know we were in need of a savior, He died for us BEFORE we realized we needed a savior.
Please don't mistake my passion for flippancy. I am not flippant, but I am frustrated with seeing God's people walking around defeated, unhappy, and not an effective witness for Him. I truly believe that our walk with God should be simple and effective. Notice I did not say EASY and effective. I believe that forgiveness is simple and effective. Not EASY, but simple. We decide not to collect on a debt owed to us. I hope this stirs your heart about forgiveness.