I'll never be "normal"

First of all, let me say that I do not intend to post every day. I am posting things that are on my heart, and need to be put down in words. Time may go by between postings, but as things come into my heart, they will be posted. I almost can't think of anything else until the words are written, so please understand.
What if you say, my past is so messed up, I can never be "normal"? I think these thoughts come to many, and I want to write about how to come out of destructive experiences and mindsets that plague us. When I was a young adult and first living out of my parents' home, I would tell stories and talk to my co-workers about my life experiences. I never realized before I saw the shocked looks on their faces that my life was not "normal".
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father, and this affected my life. My experiences and mindsets were different from other people. Things that come normally to me were not normal for other people. I began my quest for understanding at a time when I was not walking with the Lord. I don't know how it would have been different if I had done all of my "processing" with Him instead of half with and half without, but I can't go back. I went to a family counselor in my mid-twenties and began talking to her about things before my marriage broke up. She recommended a few books to me on Adult children of alcoholics. I read one that changed my life. I started to see where some of my destructive behavior was coming from. I was beginning to see how my experience of living with an alcoholic shaped my life. Thankfully, I have never been a "blamer" and I used this information to change, not to blame.
If you do tend to be a blamer, I encourage you to remember that you alone are responsible for your choices. Your circumstances may have been tough, but today as an adult, you have a choice. The choice may be harder for you to make because of your previous circumstance, but nonetheless, you must take responsibility for your choices. I urge you to ask your friends for prayer about this, and press in to the Lord for the grace to make changes. I will speak more to this later.
When I was going through a divorce, I found another counselor. I will tell you at this point that both women primarily let me talk, and asked questions to help me clarify my thoughts. I thank God that I did not get bogged down in Psychology, because I believe that psychology tends to muddy the waters and bring more bondage than freedom. If you look at the very origin of psychology, you will begin to see why a Christian MUST be very careful about adopting a mentality that aligns with psychology. We are to depend on God, trust in Him fully. We aren't to find our own solutions or lean on our own understanding. I can't go into this more fully at this time, because that is not my focus for this post.
When I did come back to the Lord, I was plagued by the same things as I was before. I had many problems with my emotions, and dealing with relationships. I was a very critical person, who held people to high standards and did not cut any slack for people. I was harsh and unforgiving and had a hard time staying in relationship with people. I was constantly involved in "drama" with people and had many with whom I was in contention. I could never disagree without a loud argument, and never allowed others to express their opinion without judgment from me. I do not see myself as the same person today, and hopefully neither do you. God has worked countless miracles in my life, in part, because of my obedience to Him.
So, as a new Christian, I didn't know how to change my life. I think the first step towards my freedom was honesty. I was very honest about my life, past and present and didn't hide things when talking to other people. Fortunately for me, this came naturally. For others, a life lived hiding the truth may have ingrained a deep habit of not telling the truth. Again, I urge you to seek the Lord. If you can't be honest with anyone else, be honest with Him. He knows your thoughts and intents anyway, why hide from Him? I love the Psalms because David held nothing back from the Lord. I read some Psalms and cringe because of some of the things David says in them, but the fact that he could say them to God gives us an example. God is faithful. No human will ever be perfect, but He is. No matter what your life experience, no matter how many people have let you down, God says in Hebrews 13:5, 6 "...for he hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. SO THAT we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."
When I began to speak out to my friends, someone recommended a teaching to me. I will name that teaching, but not because I think it is the only answer. I will tell you what God used in my life, and tell you that if you seek Him, he will show you what He will use in your life. The first teaching I listened to was "The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer. I find her teachings to be based solely on the Bible, and her style was something I could appreciate and relate to so that it was effective in my life. Her testimony is powerful. But let me also say that there are many people who speak to hurting women, some that I have read include Beth Moore, and T.D. Jakes. There are probably many more out there, this is why you have to seek God first. He knows where you are, where you've been and what would most minister life to you.
God has used teachings, music, fiction and just good God-fearing friends to bring healing and deliverance to my life. Don't limit God by deciding that something is not "spiritual" enough. I also believe that just reading the Word of God will bring much healing and deliverance. John 15:3 says, "Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you." He goes on in that chapter to say that you cannot bear fruit unless you abide in Him, so we must make the Bible and prayer our first avenue of help.
I think if Saul could become Paul and go on to write most of the New Testament, if Peter could deny Jesus three times in one night, and go on to be another key figure in the first church, then you and I can overcome our past and walk in the light as He is in the light. I believe that our past does not have to define us, but I also think Jesus asked a powerful question to the man by the pool of Bethesda. In Jn 5:6 Jesus asks the man, "Wilt thou be made whole?" And I think that this is a question we must ask ourselves. I heard a sermon on this once, and it just came alive for me. The pastor asked, Do you want to be well? You may have to give up your disabled placard, and park further away from the store. You will have to give up any excuse you have for not doing things. So, you must ask yourself- Do I want to be well? Even if it means I can no longer be unforgiving? Even if it means that people will have more of an ability to hurt me? Do I trust God enough to take care of me that I will chose to be vulnerable and be well?
I think sometimes we feel comfortable with what we know. Whether it be good or bad, we are comfortable with our circumstance. Our thoughts can be, Okay, so maybe I'm not successful, but no one is walking all over me. Maybe I'm not happy all the time, but I'm not being taken advantage of. It's scary to change. It's scary if you're the only one in your circumstance that is willing to change. But I say unto you that the God who created you is "able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us," (Eph 3:20)
Think for a moment about God. Read Genesis 1 and 2. God spoke and the world in its entirety came into being. Not only the things, but in perfectness so that it survives even today. It says that he SET the sun and moon into the firmament of heaven, and he SET the stars also. He created every animal throughout the food chain. And in Gen 2, God formed us out of the dust of the ground. Imagine Him bending down and gently scooping up the dirt to form us. Then bringing it to His mouth and breathing into is the very breath of life. This is the God who will fight for you, if you belong to His family.
So, I believe that no matter what your previous life circumstance, God is able to deliver you, and that you can produce godly fruit. I also believe that the pursuit of this deliverance DOES NOT have to consume the rest of your life. What good does it do the body of Christ or the world if you can never come to a place of life? Jesus said to Peter in Luke 22:31, 32 "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren." Jesus told him that there was a progression, when thou art converted strengthen thy brethren. If Peter had taken many years to find his healing and deliverance do you think he would have been at Pentecost in Acts 2? Would he have given that great sermon? Would he have impacted the kingdom of God in the same way that he did?
I think one of the byproducts of psychology is that we are now "searching". We are searching for answers, for healing, for understanding of things that God may not want us to ever understand. I do not see digging into our past as Biblical. Read the gospels and note how Jesus healed and delivered. It was brief and to the point and the people moved on with their lives. I am no longer in a place of seeking healing or deliverance of my past. And this has caused many to not even know what I've been through unless they hear my testimony. And, I think this is Biblical. As followers of Jesus, we are to be so close to Him that we begin to take on His characteristics. The actual definition of disciple in the vines dictionary is a follower, but it implies imitating the teacher. How well do I speak of the power of Christ if I walk around defeated, and bearing the mark of my past without Christ? I speak of a God who cannot transform, who cannot overcome my past. This will not draw the world to Him! But, when you hear about my life, and you see the differences that Christ has made in me, you will be drawn to this Christ who can change a harsh, unforgiving woman into a woman who loves people. My life will give you hope that Christ can do the same in you. And He can, and WILL if you allow Him to do it.